The One Coffee Challenge: How to Start a Faith Conversation With a Skeptic Friend

By Tyler Ellis · Estimated reading time: about 7 minutes

A college student, a homeless man, and a rabbi walk into a coffee shop.

It sounds like the setup to a joke. It was actually my calendar one semester. I had invited each of them out for coffee so I could hear what they believed about God.

If the idea of inviting a friend who doesn't believe to talk about faith makes your palms sweat, you're not alone. It felt strange to me, too. But I've learned that the hardest part isn't the conversation. It's the invitation.

This article will help you with three things:

1. Who to invite
2. How to invite them, with ten approaches from easiest to boldest
3. What to do when they say no

None of it requires a clipboard, a stranger's doorstep, or a debate. Just one friend and one cup of coffee.

Start With One Name

Before you can invite anyone, you need someone to invite. That sounds obvious, but it's where most of us get stuck.

Years ago, a couple of friends and I scrolled through our phone contacts and counted the friends who weren't Christians. The list was short. Most of our friends were church friends. But when we looked closer, there were more people than we thought: a coworker, a neighbor, the guy from pickup basketball. We just hadn't been paying attention.

So we wrote their names down and started praying for them. I call that an impact list.

How to make your impact list

1. Write down the people in your world who don't know Jesus. Think family, close friends, coworkers, neighbors, classmates, teammates, and childhood friends.
2. Circle three. These are the ones you sense God nudging you toward. Pray for them by name.
3. Pick your one. Jot down what you know about them: hobbies, goals, needs, hard seasons, religious background, questions, and what you have in common.

William Wilberforce, who helped end the British slave trade, kept a pen and paper in his pocket so he could write down friends' names and pray for them. A notes app on your phone works just as well. I think he'd understand.

Never say no for someone else. For all you know, last night they asked God for a sign, and your invitation is the answer.

Don't cross anyone off because you assume they'd never say yes. You don't know what's happening in their heart.

Ten Ways to Invite, From Easiest to Boldest

The right invitation depends on your friendship. If you just met, keep it simple. If you've been friends for 20 years and love to give each other a hard time, something playful may be your best bet. Pray about it, then pick the one that fits your friend.

Three Invitations Worth a Closer Look

The video walks through all ten with stories. Here are three that show why a simple invitation is so powerful.

Just ask: "Come and see"

The first skeptic in the Gospels is Nathanael. When his friend Philip tells him they've found the Messiah, Jesus of Nazareth, Nathanael scoffs. Can anything good come from Nazareth? Philip doesn't argue or pull out a chart. He simply says, "Come and see" (John 1:46).

That's your job, too. You don't have to win an argument. You just have to invite.

Ask for help: My coffee shop interviews

People like to be needed, and sometimes the help you ask for is their opinion.

When I was in campus ministry at the University of Delaware, I started asking people, "Can I buy you a coffee and ask you some questions about what you believe?" Over two years, I sat down with 50 people. They included grad students from China, a Muslim professor, a rabbi, a homeless man, and the president of a drama club called the Rubber Chickens.

I asked questions like "What comes to mind when you think about God?" Then I bit my tongue and listened.

Here's what happened:

• 50 people met with me for coffee
• 25 of them asked to keep meeting and talking about God
• About half of those 25 went on to become Christians

I didn't argue with anyone. I bought the coffee, asked questions, and listened. When they asked something I couldn't answer, we found a book that could and read it together. God did the rest.

Asking for someone's view says, "Your view matters to me." That's the opposite of a sales pitch.

Invite to dinner: A table says you belong

Rosaria Butterfield was a university professor and no fan of Christians. She even wrote a newspaper article criticizing them. A local pastor, Ken Smith, wrote her back. It wasn't an angry letter. It was a kind one, with a dinner invitation.

She came, and she kept coming for about two years, asking hard questions around their table. Today she's a Christian author.

Your version might be as simple as, "We made too much chili. Come eat with us." A table tells someone they belong before you say a word about Jesus.

When They Say No

Often "no" just means "not yet."

I've had more people flake on coffee than I can count. But plenty did show up. Over one 15-year stretch in college ministry, I met with three or four people a week. That works out to roughly 2,340 cups of coffee. My dentist was not thrilled.

If your friend turns you down, here's how to keep the door open:

• Ask again later, in a new way. A different setting or a different approach may land.
• Respect a firm no. Don't nag or pressure.
• Stay their friend. Your friendship isn't a project with a deadline.
• Keep praying. Their name stays on your impact list.
• Expect some resistance. When someone gets suddenly busy right as they're getting curious, it's not always a coincidence.

In the video, I explain what Dr. Seuss's Green Eggs and Ham teaches us about asking again (and why you might need a fox).

You Can Be the First Link in the Chain

You might not be the one who answers every question. That's okay. Someone has to make the first invitation.

One of my favorite stories is about a college student named Nick. His roommate, Peter, was a fourth-generation atheist, the kind of guy most of us would cross off the list. Nick invited him to a poker night our campus ministry hosted. That one invitation started something none of us could have planned.

Years later, Nick told me he hadn't done anything. He'd just invited Peter to poker. I told him he was the brave one. He was the first link in the chain.

You don't have to answer every question. You just have to be the first link in the chain.

I tell the rest of Nick and Peter's story at the end of the video, including what happened at a creek in New Jersey. It's worth the watch.

Watch Nick and Peter's story in the video (starts at 14:12) →

Why this matters for the nations

About 80% of international students who come to America are never invited into an American home. But the problem is bigger than that. Many Christians aren't inviting anyone at all.

I believe that can change one coffee at a time, starting with the people already in your life. The world is at your door.

Your Next Step: Take the One Coffee Challenge

Don't try all ten. Just take the One Coffee Challenge: one friend, one coffee.

I made a free three-page worksheet to help you do it:

• Page 1: Your impact list, so you know who to invite
• Page 2: The ten approaches, so you can check off the one you'll try
• Page 3: My 20 coffee shop questions, so you know what to ask when your friend says yes

You don't need to ask all 20 questions. The point isn't the questions. The point is to listen.

Download the free One Coffee Challenge worksheet

Then put the coffee on the calendar.

Keep Going

• Watch "10 Ways to Invite a Skeptic Friend to Coffee" on YouTube

And be your weird self. The world's at your door. Go therefore!